Strange Days

Has been an interesting year. Not in a way of many new happenings, but in my way of looking at life and the people in it. In some ways I feel like I should have done more....in others I feel like I've done so much. I want 2011 to be more dramatic...I want it to be more exciting....but then again, be careful what you wish for. <3

I've mentioned this before but my mother has two sons by her first marriage who were kidnapped by their father when they were still toddlers. Its been over 40 years and she still has no idea where they are. So I came up with an idea to start a my space for them, and see if I could use virtual marketing to find them. Using the premise of 6 degrees of seperation, I am betting that I will find a lead, or my brothers themselves within a year of posting the blog. A lot of people are adding them to their top friends, which is adding to the exposure, and at some point, I'm going to see if we can get some news stories on it, which should help promote the blog even more. It's exciting, but scary at the same time.

C.

Labels: family

I read this today from Beth and thought it was an amzingly cool way to think about today, feb 2.....2/2

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Today is 2/2. Groundhog Day. A perfect day numerically speaking for a holiday which is about looking for your shadow, your other, the second you. The number two, then the two shadowed. Nicely done holiday schedulers! Somehow this year Groundhog Day has hit a chord with me. And it's hard for me to believe I've just written that sentence. That must be the shadow me.

But this year I am all about waking up.

And here's what I've woken up to on this holiday that's about waking up. There is always a shadow. When it's overcast it's all shadow. Shadow of the cloud. And our own shadows are not so visible. This is a perfect metaphor for right now in America. A time of cultural darkness which makes it difficult to see our own personal shadows.

So today is a good time to remember the dictum: embrace your wholeness. Shadows can be very illuminating. And even make you look skinny!

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She also had this picture, which blew me away today.



This infinity sign is multiple exposures taken from the same spot over the course of a year. That infinity sign is the path of the sun!!!! How amazing is that? Personally, it left me speechless.

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All is well with me....it could be better. Things have been a little ough for me these past 6-8 months, just trying to get things together with less stress and more creativity, if that's even possible.

Chase

"And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust."

Having your laptop crash....then your desktop.....then your backup....

crash

it can be a freeing experience

terrifying in its full meaning

lost photos

half a novel done

now gone

letters

your will

why don't they ever tell us how fragil these fucking electronic gadgets are

"you've got to back things up"

ok, so what you're really trying to say is....

I need to back up, the back up's, back up?

wtf?

NEW YORK (Oct. 4) - At a pivotal time in the abortion debate, Ms. magazine is releasing its fall issue next week with a cover story titled "We Had Abortions," accompanied by the names of thousands of women nationwide who signed a petition making that declaration.

The publication coincides with what the abortion-rights movement considers a watershed moment for its cause. Abortion access in many states is being curtailed, activists are uncertain about the stance of the U.S. Supreme Court, and South Dakotans vote Nov. 7 on a measure that would ban virtually all abortions in their state, even in cases of rape and incest.

"All this seems very dire," said Eleanor Smeal, president of the Feminist Majority Foundation, which publishes Ms.

"We have to get away from what the politicians are saying," she said, "and get women's lives back in the picture."

Even before the issue reaches newsstands Oct. 10, anti-abortion activists have been decrying it. Judie Brown, president of the American Life League, wrote in a commentary that when she saw a Ms. announcement of the project, "the evil practically jumped right off the page."

Ms. executive editor Katherine Spillar said more than 5,000 women have signed the petition so far -- heeding its appeal to declare they are unashamed of the choice they made. The magazine itself had room for only 1,016 names, she said Tuesday, but all of them will be viewable online as Ms. encourages other women to continue adding their signatures.

Ms. says it will send the petition to Congress, the White House and state legislators.

The signatories include Ms. founder Gloria Steinem, comedian Carol Leifer, and actresses Kathy Najimy and Amy Brenneman, but most are not famous names.

Tyffine Jones, 27, of Jackson, Miss., said she had no hesitation about signing -- although she lives in a state where restrictions on abortion are tough and all but one abortion clinic has been closed.

Jones said she got an abortion 10 years ago -- enduring harassment from protesters when she entered the clinic -- in order to finish high school. She went on to become the first member of her family to graduate from college, and hopes at some point to attend law school.

"I wanted to do something bigger with myself -- I didn't want to be stopped by anything," she said in a telephone interview.

Another signatory, Debbie Findling of San Francisco, described her difficult decision last year to have an abortion after tests showed that she would bear a son with Down syndrome.

"I felt it was my right to make the decision, but having that right doesn't make the decision any easier," she said. "It was the hardest decision I've ever made."

Findling, 42, is married, with a 5-year-old daughter, and has been trying to get pregnant again while pursuing her career as a philanthropic foundation executive.

She says too many of her allies in the abortion-rights movement tend to minimize, at least publicly, the psychological impact of abortion.

"It's emotionally devastating," she said in a phone interview. "I don't regret my decision -- but I regret having been put in the position to have to make that choice. It's something I'll live with for the rest of my life."

Findling strongly supports the Ms. petition, and believes women who have had abortions need to be more open about their decisions. She has written an essay about her own experience, and plans to include it in an anthology she hopes to publish next year.

Ms. mounted this kind of petition drive when it was first published. Its debut issue in 1972 included a manifesto signed by 53 women -- many of them well-known -- declaring that they had undergone abortions despite state laws outlawing the procedure.

The next year, the Supreme Court issued its Roe v. Wade decision establishing abortion rights nationwide. Some abortion-rights activists are concerned that Roe could be overturned, either by the current court or if President Bush has the opportunity to appoint one more justice.

Smeal said Ms. staffers called the women who signed the petition to verify their information and be sure they were willing to have their names in print.

"The women thanked us for doing this," Smeal said. "They wanted to tell their stories."

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What a confusing issue. On one hand, I want to commend these women for having the balls to come forward and say, yes, I made this hard decision, but on the other hand. I'm somewhat repulsed by Ms. Magazine waving a list of murdered babies to prove a point.

With that being said, I was 17 when I had my abortion. I didn't want to have one, but my mother wasn't trying to hear me having it, and I suppose deep in my heart I felt that it wasn't the right time. I've since realised, there's never really a right time. Oh sure, when you have money, or a husband or a home, guess those would be a "right time". But I became a foster mother to my 10 year old brother less than two years later. I wound up raising him, and always thought, I could have just had the baby.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have that child with me now. I'm remembering that someone at the clinic told me it was a boy, or am I imagining that? I always wonder what it would be like to have a strapping young man as my son. He would be in his 20's now. Scary thought. I wonder if he forgives me and understands why I did what I did? and I wonder if there is forgiveness for such a thing?

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I know...don't even say it....I know....

I could make up a ton of reasons, but it's still no excuse for not writing in so long. The main reason/excuse is that I got an online "job" and whenever i'm online, I feel like I have to be there working working working, or i'm not making money so I'm there, working and not putting time to anything else online. I know, sucks...blame me being away on being broke, lol.

So here's a lil lowdown.

1. My brother is doing good. He moved in with his girlfriend, which in any other case I would say is waaay too soon, but in his case it's probably what he needs to stay stable. So im not mad about it. He still has a job, which is a miricle and amazing. I hope he keeps it up.

2 My horse, Kate died. I was fucked up for quite a while behind that, to put it blankly. I cried my heart out. Our stallion tried to mount her in the pasture and they fought and a nail from his shoe came lose and cut her in the side. We called a vet, did everything we could but a week later she was dead. She left a 3 mo old colt, the colt was going nuts, pulling on her mothers halter trying to make her get up. It was heart breaking, and no one could say anything to me, I sat in the bathroom and cried for an hour straight. I loved that horse. People say that horses are like dogs, but I disagree, it's more like having a mute child, they are so intelligent yet they can't speak. They do find other ways of communicating what they want. I used to go out in the pasture in the dark at night, and reach up and wrap my hands around her neck and she would put her nose in my neck and we would stand there and just....breathe. I'll miss her, I loved her so much.

3. My laptop died. Another reason why I havent been on as much. Why didnt you souther folk tell me about the lightining down here in the south?!?! I lost everything...its disgusting how much stuff I lost. and just think, all I had to do was back it up. I'm such a dumbass.

4. we have a puppy. Jessica found it wandering and convinced us to take it in.....how could you resist that cutesy wootsey adorable face??...oh yeah, and the puppy was cute too. Ha




I'll be back. :D

I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything

I wear this crown of shit, Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear
You are someone else, I am still right here

What have I become? My sweetest friend
Everyone I know, Goes away in the end
You could have it all, My empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
If I could start again, A million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way

Johhny Cash

My brother called my sister this morning...she's still not sure how he got the number. The only reason he didn't call me is probably because I moved out of state. He's been out of jail about 3 months now, amazing he lasted this long.

I don't expect it to last. I'd say he might last another 2 or 3 months, but then I sound like a real bitch right?

I took custody of my brother when I was 17/18 years old. Not even a full grown up myself, I took responsibility for a child of 11 who had more problems then I would eve be able to fathom. He was adopted by my mother and stepfather as a small child. He had been one of 7 or 8 children as I remember being told, one day his mom snapped and locked all of the kids under the kitchen sink and left them there for over a week. When they found them 2 were dead and the others were near death.

When he came into our home he was a tiny bag of bones, stomach distended, eyes wide. He was a happy child but exhibited typical psychological characteristics. Rocking back and forth, repetitive behavior and banging his head on his pillow at night to get to sleep. My stepfather, fast with the belt and slow on patience beat him daily to get him to stop banging his head. Perhaps if he knew why he did it he wouldn't beat him for it, but if he knew he didn't care, stepdad was all about control. Or else.

They adopted my brother, but when my mom and stepdad split, the kids were thrown to the wind, and my brother wound up in foster care. He went from foster home to foster home and eventually I was told that they had nowhere for him to go and he was going to be sent to a youth facility in another state. I asked if I could take him and after tons of paperwork, meetings and classes, I became his para-foster parent.

It started out ok, and to this day I go over things in my mind, wondering and searching....was there somewhere where I went wrong, where I should have done something and didn't or vice versa? I've since grown to realize that, it couldn't have been my fault...even if I did fuck up, it wasn't for lack of trying. I put my all into him and he still turned out wrong, and I really don't think there was anything I could have done differently.

It started out with cutting school, hanging out with the wrong kids, dropping grades. It moved up a notch to threatening someone with a knife, trespassers, more cutting classes and dropping grades. Then it went to no school at all, stealing, and throwing firecrackers out of a 8th floor window onto a cop car causing him to draw his gun. I spent the night in jail behind that one.

The finale was when I was 9 months pregnant with Jessica, he pulled a gun on my boyfriend and got locked up. That wound up being a pattern and he didn't see light of day for more than a few months at a time for the next 5 years. Here's the poem I wrote after the 2nd time he got locked up. The last time he came out, 7 years ago, I told him he was going to come stay with me, get a job, I bought him clothes, all my friends gave him money, he had his own bedroom on the first floor of my house, no rent, free food....and after he had been at the job (I got him) for a couple of months, he could start pitching in for rent or whatever.

He never made it thru those few months, one night, high on angel dust, he walked up to some guys car, asked him for a ride home and when the guy said no, he shot him in the head.

He was caught that night walking home, and even though he had gotten rid of the gun and the jacket he was wearing, they still arrested him based on witness id's. The guy who he's shot was a major drug dealer in our city. He claims he was high and didn't know what he was doing, but I got word through someone else, that this guy had been trying to hit on his new girlfriend, and my brother wasn't happy about it. I was told that there was a hit put on my brother, and a possible hit on me and my daughter, I couldn't step outside for the next few months without anticipating a bullet. They tried to hit my brother while he was in county jail, but he managed to get away from them, and I had internal affairs relocate him, because the way it was set up, the guards had to be in on it.

While the guy he shot was in a coma, my brother took a plea bargain for aggravated assault, and got 7 years. The guy died a month later. My brother got out 3 months ago, and I don't know how to deal with him. I hate the fact that he put myself and my daughter in what could have been deadly circumstances, but I also ask myself, if this was my blood brother, would I give up on him? I would be mad at him, I would hate his ways and the things he did, but he would still be my brother.

He hasn't called me. I think he knows that I'm still angry, and I doubt he wants to hear much of what I would say. Maybe this time he'll get it right...maybe this time, he'll make a man of himself...maybe.

where do I start? The truth is, I have let myself get caught up in so much other stuff that i havent had time to blog. On one hand thats supposed to be a good thing, because it means you have a life, right? lol

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The art exhibit for the James Brown Festival went well. It was an amazing feeling looking and seeing my art hanging on a wall that didn't belong to me. To see other people look at your art, and comment or to see the looks on their faces. Jessica is evil, she walks up to people looking at one of my paintings "Living in America" and starts talking to them"so what do you think?" and starts engaging them in an in depth conversation about how it "explores issues in the US today", this lady is just looking at her, nodding her head....I had to walk away so I didn't blow up laughing. To be 14, the girl has issues, lol


I'll post pics of the exhibit shortly.

I finally met my friend who told me about the show, Susannah...she was there with her husband, they were the sweetest, and we talked a lot....hopefully we can stay friends and get to know each other better. She's even offered to help me with my cafepress, so I can offer postcards and such of my artwork.

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My garden is coming along well, tons of tomatoes coming in now....jalepenos, little bit of string beans, green peppers are coming in too.

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My Kate had her baby...we went to bed with one horse and woke up with two. ::smile:: They are both very healthy and doing so well.







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I started doing some online work as well, and that has kept me very busy too....I'll remind myself that i need to blog, and then im so tired i dont even want to look at the computer.

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watching "Full Metal Jacket" right now....this movie depresses the crap out of me, but I can't help but watch it when it comes on, its a sin how that drill seargent tortured that boy...like i said, it makes me really sad, I don't even know why I watch it.


Gonna visit some sites tonight and see how all of my friends in blog land are doing...I hope all are well.

still playing in the dirt as Joe says....been pruning bushes all week when i have a spare moment, still got about 30 bushes to go, why did they plant all these damn bushes around this house?!? I planeted tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, jalepenos, red peppers, green peppers, cherry tomatoes, watermelon, snow peas, brussel sprouts and string beans in the garden (so far) the most important thing will be to keep them hydrated, especially in the summer it gets crazy hot here and will dry a plant up to a twig in a day if you're not careful.

I planted two tiny baby peach trees, and two apple trees...they are only about 3 feet and 1 ft tall respectively. I won't see fruit from them in my lifetime, but maybe y grandchildren will. thats a nice thought.

be back later.

Time for clocks to "spring forward. That's how I remember which way the clock goes, "Spring forward, Fall back". I also have one to remember how to turn a screw, twist off a lid, turn a lightbulb, ect..."Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosy", its especially helpful when I'm changing a light bulb, cause turning it too tight the wrong way can break it, then you have the problem of getting that broken bulb out. (a great way to do that is to cut a potatoe in half and shove it onto the broken glass and turn the right way, after you unplug or turn off the light of course!)

Enough of my tidbits (smile) Things have been pretty busy Jessica's 8th grade prom was last weekend. I made her dress and cape. She told me she wanted to look like a princess and I think we achieved that effect.

Striking the princessa pose...

and of course the corsage...

ready to leave....please, no more pics, lol

I think I took over 100 pictures, but I carefully explained to the little complaining brat, that I made the dress, I made the cape, the purse, I sewed 82 pearls by hand onto that dang dress, I bought the shoes, the tiarra, the LeasT she could do is let me take a couple hundred pictures. :::cheese::::...

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Then there's KATE....Now you understand why I havent been blogging the past week or so.



There's something about a horse that puts a sense of awe into you. Here you have animals that are huge, we're talk 1000+ pounds, that can have such an affection and trust for you that they alow you to ride them...it truly amazes me. I haven't ridden her yet, although Joe and Jessica have, I haven't gotten the nerve. I had a terrible fall from a horse when I was younger, and I guess I'm still a little nervous. The funny thing is even though I haven't ridden her, she has made an attachement to me that is extremely noticable. I look into those huge eyes and I am so humbled by her innocent spirit. She gleams copper in the sun.

We've also been taking care of a puppy for Joe's cousin, I dont have pictures yet, maybe tomorrow. He is the cutest thing, but he was very sick, he had parvo....so we kind of had to nurse him back to health....when he came to us he was skin and bones and now he's put on weight and seems very happy.

I've been in the yard, trimming bushes, planting seeds, I tilled a little garden, cleaning up winter debris, and just getting the house ready for summer. Spring cleaning has been on the top of my agenda, throwing away uneeded things, washing and packing away the heavy blankets, throwing open the windows, airing out the house.

I had three personal dreams, my whole life...that was to own a beautiful house, to own a horse, and to have an inground swimming pool. To some those may seem like simple dreams, but to me they seemed like a fantasy, an unatainable dream. From a young runaway who slept on a park bench, to build up my life, to finally be able to say, I've actually made 2 of my life dreams come true (three if you count my love with Joe)....hey, an inground pool may not be such a big deal afterall.

The New Orleans Public Library is asking for any and all hardcover and paperback books for people of all ages in an effort to restock the shelves after Katrina. The staff will assess which titles will be designated for its collections. The rest will be distributed to destitute families or sold for library fundraising.



Please send your books to:

Rica A. Trigs
Public Relations
New Orleans Public Library
219 Loyola Avenue
New Orleans, LA 70112

**UPDATE - my anonymous commenter has mentioned that the New Orleans Library cannot handle the infulx of books, and gave me a website that shows alternative ways that you can help them. Thanks, whoever you are!

Click here for the FAQ Website

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On another note, I've done some planting over the past week. Planted some herbs, tomatoes and peppers from seed. Starting an avacado plant, and finally found a good spot for the pink rosebush my neighbor gave me for my birthday. The weather seems tobe breaking here and spring is well on it's way. Makes me want to clean, lol.

We're also getting a horse. Yes, a horse. One of our friends has a few of them but he's moving and wants to find good homes for some of them. He's offered to help joe build a good fence if he comes over and helps with his fence, which he did today. We're supposed to get her next week, and when we do I will most definitly post pics, she is so beautiful.

Things are getting exciting with Jess's prom coming up in a couple days. We have everything except her shoes, which we'll get on Friday, and she's getting her hair done Sat morning. I will post pics sat night or sunday morning, I know she's going to have a great time. :)

Jessica's 8th grade prom is this Sat. and this is the dress I made for her. She was supposed to go with one boy who she really liked, but they aren't speaking so she's going with Troy, a boy who's liked her since the beginning of the school year. She wanted me to make her dress, and she knew exactly how she wanted it to look. She said she wanted to look like a princess.



I had her try it on because her aunt and grandmother were dying to see the pics, When she goes to the prom this weekend I'll take the offiial "prom pics", so you can see her in all her "princess" glory, lol




She's mad because we told her we would be following the limo, and be there too when the prom was over. She said I'm being lame, but I don't care, that girl is my most valued thing in life, I know she thinks Im being overprotective now, but Im sure she'll understand when she gets older. (isn't that what all mothers say? lol)

How I wish I could surrender my soul; Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing. How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I'm sure just about everyone saw James Blunt on Oprah, or has heard about him, or his number one song, "You're Beautiful", seeing his emotion and feeling his raw untouched honesty was one of the most refreshing feelings I've had in a while, he seems really genuine. Those were the lyrics to his song Tears and Rain. beautiful.

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So, I'm back, got all of my online issues straight, and hope to be posting more regularly. Did ya miss me?

Oh yeah, while my online was down I finished another painting and started 3 more! Here's the one I finished, it needs a name though....maybe you can help me come up with one?

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I completed the course for substitute teaching today, so this should be interesting, and at the very least make for good blogging, lol. The course was pretty simple, learning lots of rules and sitting on hard ass auditorium seats for 5 hours. my butt still aches, lol.

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GUESS WHAT??? I will be showing my art publicly for the first time at an exhibition called "Something About Soul" during the James Brown festival here in Augusta. I am so excited. So many many thanks to PaintingChef for sending me the info.

The place where the exibition is being held is HUGE. It used to be a department store called JB White, it has huge columns that go down each side of the room and 30 foot ceilings. I'm going to have to do some bigger pieces for this, so I did go out and get a 20x60 inch frame, a 36x24 inch and a 30x40 inch at a half price sale...somehow they still don't seem big enough, I'd love a 6 x 6 foot or a 10x10 foot....but i think a 6x6 foot would cost me a hundred bucks I don't have right now to blow. Oh well, it's called do the best with what you got! I dont think words can express how excited I am. :) I'm going to take pics and let you know how it goes.

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Jessica made the honor roll. Sh ehad a little trouble adjusting after being homeschooled for two years, but she did it, and I was so proud of her. She kept teasing me, saying "it was a fluke Mom, I dont know how it happened...dont expect it to happen again", lol She knows it was her hard work that made it happen. That's my girl.

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more James Blunt lyrics....this one is called Beautiful. He said he wrote it after he was on a train, and saw his ex girlfriend with another man. He said they never spoke, but for a moment, their eyes locked, and a lifetime passed in that moment.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true,
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Lalala lalala lalala lalala laaaaaa

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you

I still don't have online acess yet, but here I am in Taco Bell enjoying a Crunchwrap Supreme (which also rocks) I didn't know all Taco Bell's had wifi, well at least the ones around here do.

Yeah, im over the birthday blues....whats a girl to do? lol Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes in my comments and emails...it's easy to see why we become attached to our blogfriends, especially when they are so sweet and caring.

Jessica had her 14th Birthday party last night, it was really awesome. We decorated the bar (yep, we have a huge bar in our house) with xmas lights and streamers, I made 4, 3 layer cakes, they had hot dogs, chicken wings, devilled eggs and every kind of chip you can imagine. I made "invisible" punch, with the new invisible kool aid, and some sprite, all the kids thought it was water, lol, and weren't drinking it until i told them it was punch.

One of the funniest things of the night was the phone call from the grandmother of one of jessica's friends that went like this....

Grandmother: Hey, I'll be bringing nick shortly, but his friend that he grew up with is here and I wanted to know if it was ok if he came too?

Me: How old is he?

GM: 13, but he's big (which was an understatement, the boy was HUGE)

me: yes that's fine

GM: But there's one thing (long pause) (she whispers) He's black

silence

Me: (whispers) So are we

GM: Really? (clearly relieved) I'm not prejudeced or anything, I just know a lot of people in this area are and I wouldnt want to drop him off and have anyone give him problems

Me: (dying laughing) that's fine, no problems here

I cannot get enough of telling that story, it keeps cracking me up.

Jessica said it was the best party ever...but I think I forgot how loud a roomful of 40 teenagers could be. Im sure it's a party she'll remember for the rest of her life.

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I'm signing up for the substitute teacher program here, and if all goes well I'll be subbing (extra money AND getting out of the rut house.

I'll probably come back to Taco Bell on Wed, or have my online access back by then.

ciao

yesterday was my birthday. yipee. I swear I don't know what it is im looking for, but year after year im just not getting it. It's not like I expect a big party, lavish gifts...ok, maybe a suprise party one year wouldnt be bad....and I know things have been tight for us money wise, but my day came and went with scarcely an acknowledgement. Joe, has never been really big on "holidays" and I've somewhat learned to not expect any grand gestures from him.

He at least got me a card for valentines day, but he left it in the car and didnt give it to me until the next day, and when I told him he was so unromatic he got an attitude about it...he makes me so mad sometimes. I bitched him out the next day about it, but sometimes I think im talking to a wall.

Jessicas birthday is today...the day after mine...and ever since she's been born, I've always focused so much more on her birthday than my own. She's having a big party next weekend with tons of friends from school, im going to cook, make cakes, the whole nine....so today she was mainly in the bed, she has the flu, but she's almost over it....when i asked her to help with cleaning up, she made a comment about "whatever happened to having birthday weekends off?" wow that pissed me off to no end....good question! what HAS happened to birthday weekends off??? I cant remember the last time I was given a weekend off...no one gave ME breakfast in bed, or asked if there was anything I needed on my birthday.

the bottom line is I think her and joe can be so fcuking selfish sometimes, it makes me want to throw up. I expect it from her sometimes, I mean she's a 14 year old girl fercrissakes, she's expected to be selfish at times, but it seems no matter how many times I point out how selfish he can be at times it doesnt change, he still keeps his little childish outlook on life and it makes me sick.

true, im venting right now, and he does things that makes up for his selfishness at times, but im so sick of being the one who's strong and tries to keep things together without an attitude. why cant someone look out for me once in a while?

Im not even freaking out that im 39....that my mother didnt call me, two of my sisers didnt call me, my best friend didnt call me....

or maybe i am...i dunno

stupid birthday....

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my online access is limited, so i probably wont be able to post or respond for another week....

finished a new painting this past weekend. Now i want to start working on a faux stained glass window. I found an old window its about 3 feet tall and 2 feet wide, may have been an old basement window, and I want to make it look like a stained glass window using acrylics, I've seen some really remarkable ones...not saying mine will be, but I can try :::smile:::

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I spoke to an ex of mine last week, just chit chat, two or three inconsequential emails about idle news shit, but it made me think abot him, and how things ended between us. I regret few decisions I've made about relationships, but that relationship was one of them. I can't really say regret, I just wish I hadn't of been so hasty, and that I had let things go further before I made any decisions. We had only been together for a short period of time, when due to his clingy-ness and possessiveness I told him I needed a time out, and he made it permanant. I ask myself now

why do I feel I regret this decision?

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Now that i think of it, the only other relationship decision I regret, was breaking up with a bf W I'd been with for over 5 yrs, for the exact same reasons. I mean it was much more intricate and involved with W, but it still boiled down to the same reasoning....he became very clingy, and very very possessive. He read my diary yep, he waited till I wasn't home and searched for it, and I walked in and he was sitting on the couch with my diary and a bottle of tequila. I was pissed off to the utmost of pisstivity. He didn't even care, he went on about something I wrote about another guy (it wasn't major, I think I was saying I thought he was attractive, sweet...) but the point of a diary is you can say what you want or what you think regardless if you act on it or not. I did not plan on cheating on him, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. When i told him it was over he lost it, he followed me around for weeks, I would be in a club and turn around and he would be in a corner watching me, i would come home and he'd be parked across the street from my building looking up at my window, he would call, my room-mate would tell him to hold on, I'd pick up the phone an hour or two later wondering why it was off the hook and he'd still be on the phone, holding. I came out my apartment one morning to find him sleeping in the stairwell, I cursed him out good for that one. Finally he told me he wanted to be with me no matter what, even if I wanted to be with other people he didn't care, even if I slept with other people, it didn't matter. This only served to make me feel sorry for him...and not in that "oh my god i feel so sorry i want to get back with you" way, but in the "oh my god i cant believe you're acting like such a loser" kind of way.

I always though afterwards that I may have made a mistake on that one, that I really "did him wrong", that he really loved me and maybe I would never find somone who loved me as much as he did. But now....i mean just now as I'm writing this, I think I'm realising that maybe, just maybe it was something a little different than love...something that could have really hurt me in the long run. just maybe.

he doesnt speak to me anymore. about 3 mos later he got married, and about a year after that he seperated and we fooled around for a few mos, but even then I couldnt put my heart into it and he knew it, we stopped seeing each other, he got back with his wife and now he wont speak to me. I ran into him at the park once where we were giving a concert, he was with his wife and they'd had a child. If looks could kill, when he introduced me to his wife, her face went from genial to stone so fast I almost flinched. She said "oh, you're Chase" like she was spitting out the words and they left a bad taste. I just said, "yep", smiled, and kept it moving. coincidently, I saw him on the train about a week later and when i said hello he told me that he couldnt speak to me becuase his wife wouldn't allow it. I said "allow?" and he just looked away. I sucked my teeth, pulled a book out of my bag and ignored him for the rest of the trip. we never spoke again. 5 yrs was a long time to be in a relationship, and I do regret dearly, losing him as a friend.

---

back to my other ex and the emails....why do I feel I regret it...I guess I really don't. Not anymore. he was a good, guy...so was W, but it wasn't meant to be. Even if we had of stayed together, it probably wouldn't have worked out. Possessiveness and clingy-ness are two things that will run me off in a NY minute. I need someone who knows who they are and what they stand for. Someone who trusts me...yeah, a streak of jealousy can be exciting once in a while, but if it comes off as sincere worry about my faithfulness, then there's a problem. I know they both loved me in their own ways...but a big part of love is trust and the ability to allow a certain amount of freedom. Trust.....that's the key.

Folks, I am just blown away. I wonder if she would mix up a batch in her kitchen and put it on her china and set it in front of her own children.

Dog food destined for starving children
30 January 2006
By JO MCKENZIE-MCLEAN

A Canterbury woman's plan to send powdered dog food to starving Kenyan children has not been given the thumbs up by Oxfam New Zealand.

A shipment of 6000 emergency packs of dog food mixture is bound for Rusinga Island on Kenya's Lake Victoria as part of a relief effort for the area's starving children.

Christine Drummond, founder of Mighty Mix dog food, said she was working with a Kenyan aid agency to provide the raw ingredients for a special nutritional food.
A shipment is due to leave Lyttelton in March.

But the scheme has failed to get the thumbs up from at least one international aid agency.

Drummond said the relief food, called NZ's Raw Dry Nourish, used the same ingredients as Mighty Mix dog food biscuits.

"The first plan was to send dog biscuits and change the vitamins then when I heard there were so many little children I could not send them a bicky," she said.
Instead she developed a powder that she says just needs water added to form a sustainable meal.

The formula was packed with freeze-dried meats – beef, mutton, pork and chicken, deer velvet, green lip mussel, kelp, garlic, egg, whole grain cereals and cold-pressed flax seed flour, she said.

"I made it out of ingredients they are used to eating, so the main bulk product is corn."

Drummond said she was exporting the raw ingredients to Kenya where it would be mixed by charity staff according to her recipe.

Drummond was devised the mixture after talking to North Canterbury woman Lois McGirr whose daughter had recently returned from a poverty-stricken village in Kenya. The pair had teamed up to get the food to Kenya.

McGirr said she was distributing the food through the Mercy Mission charity, based in Kenya, and was promoting the food as a "nutritional supplement" rather than dog food.

"I do not think it's deceitful. I would be happy to tell them the full story but as long as the doctors she (Drummond) has been working with have been okaying it, I don't think it's an issue. It's not just a dog food."

The Press tried to contact the Mercy Mission through a number on its website, but calls were met by a recorded message.

Mighty Mix dog food agent Gaynor Siviter said that if the dog food mixture helped the Kenyan children as it helped dogs, it would be "marvellous".

"The dogs thrive on it. They have energy, put on weight. It's bizarre but if it's edible and it works for these people then it's a brilliant idea. It beats eating rice."

Oxfam New Zealand executive director Barry Coates said he had not heard of the scheme but it was unlikely to achieve the desired outcome.

"I think it is much better to get food supplies from within Kenya rather than sending it around the world.

"Sending food shipments from New Zealand to Kenya does not seem to be the best use of time and effort and the fact it's coming from a dog food manufacturer could make people suspicious."

Drought, crop failures and massive food shortages in parts of the east African country have left millions of people without access to adequate food supplies.
Oxfam International estimates the number of people at risk is between 2.5 million and 3.5 million.

Meanwhile, I'm at the bank yesterday, and when i was leaving there was a grinding noise in my tire, i thought i had curbed the tire, but that wasn't the case, a piece of metal fell out of the right front tire, I was able to get the car across the street to a tire place (with a nasty grinding noise the whole while) and they basically told me that the brake fell out of the tire.

?!?!

so anyway....i wound up having to have the car towed, and incurring a 475 buck bill that i have no idea how im going to pay. this was just NOT in my "things that have to be paid this month" budget....

:(

Dr Deb wrote a great post "What Parents Need to Know About Child Sexual Abuse". It gives info that most of us hear a lot about, but also has a lot of info that you may not know. So head over there and read that, if you get a chance.

One of the things that I felt was lacking in the article, and which may need an article all to itself is Child on Child Sexual Abuse. As parents, we spend a lot of time worrying about that "stranger" our child may come in contact with, or warily eyeballing the little league coach, boy scout leader, male librarian, school security guard, odd neighbor, etc, ever since we were told that much sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows.

By the time my daughter was 5 or 6, she had never spent the night out of my home, she was never left during the day with anyone, whether I knew them or not, I just wasn't in the habit of leaving her with people. I was asked to go out with a group of friends one weekend, and my close friend, (that I had known since we were kids) said that she would watch my daughter for the night. She had two girls about 8 and 10 at the time and a little boy about 3 or 4. Although I don't believe the fact that my friend was married to a woman had anything to do with what happened, many people have disagreed. Maybe they're right, I'm not sure. The fact is, the 10 year old molested my daughter that night, she didn't penetrate her, but she touched her, and a few days later, my daughter told me. I was horrified. Absolutely horrified.

When she explained what happened she told me that it was her fault. I talked to her, I told her it wasn't her fault, that the girl shouldn't have touched her, and all the things we tell someone after the fact.

Inside I was screaming; "how could i have let this happen?", "what was so important about going out?", "I should have known better". Years later I understand that as a single mother, it is important that you get out of the house, even if just for a sense of perspective, or to be around other adults. I also recognize the need to have someone you can trust to keep your child/children, and how difficult that can be.

We talked about it that day, and a few times after that, and after a while she didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore, so I let it go. A few months ago, I wrote an entry about her coming home one day after school and our conversation when she asked me if she might be gay, because there was a girl in school she had a crush on. Long story short, midway through the convo she referenced the girl who had touched her those many years ago. I was shocked. I didn't think she even remembered it, no less that she would place it smack dab in the middle of a convo about sexual identity, I really was floored.

When I told her I was suprised that she remembered that, she said "Oh yeah, I always remembered it, it's bothered me for a long time". (Again with the shock.) I'm like "why didn't you talk to me about it, we talk about everything" she said something to the effect of it wasn't a constant thing on her mind but she did think about it sometimes. So again, I told her it wasn't her fault, we talked about it for a while, I made sure she was clear on what happened, the situation, etc and especially, again and again I made sure she was clear that she did nothing to make this happen to her.

So.....A friend of mine has a son, good kid, he's 9....doesn't get in trouble, comes from a good home. His mom has a friend who has a son the same age, they've been friends a few years and their sons have participated in a lot of activities together. Not to go into deatial here, but that boy molested her son one night during a sleepover, and she busted him. It was a bad scene and she won't deal with that person anymore, but it makes you wonder what kind of damage has already been done?

Ask yourself how many times your child has sleepovers?

where do the childen sleep?

It's obviously not enought to seperate the sexes as these two incidences show, they were same-sex molestings.

Are we to assume that any child that molests another child, has been molested themselves?

Or do we chalk it up to child curiosity?

If we chalk it up to child curiosity, are we saying that one child cannot molest another?

should we assume that these incidences happen only at night? or could they happen at the beach, pool, park, bathrooms, clubhouses, basements, closets, playground?

I don't have all the answers. I just saying that it's something that needs to be looked at, and we need to be aware of the other children they are around. We need to be aware of their sleeping arrangements, what games they are playing, and as much of the background of the other child as is possible.

Do I sound paranoid? Maybe. But you wouldn't let a stranger sleep over in your kids room, but we let kids they know JUST from school sleep over?

Myself, I don't let Jess sleep over other peoples house (except her grandmother and her aunt...that's it) and I monitor the kids that come to my house as well as keep an eye on them when they're in her room for hours on end. I actually think being a little paranoid is better than thinking it couldn't happen to your child, because once the child is molested or raped, their's no going back, you cannot earase, undo or turn back time, and the long term affects it may have on your child are still unknown.

What do you think?

For my blogfriend 2Sons, I finally found your blog, and I tried to leave a message, and it says your comments are restricted to team members only, and you do not have an email listed. I don't know if this is on purpose, because yopu do not want people to leave comments, but let me know either way.

I’m fifteen for a moment, caught in between ten and twenty, And I’m just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

I’m twenty-two for a moment, she feels better than ever, And we’re on fire, making our way back from Mars.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, time to buy and time to lose. Fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this, When you've only got a hundred years to live.

I’m thirty-three for a moment, still the man but you see I’m a \"they\", A kid on the way babe, a family on my mind.

I’m forty-five for a moment, the sea is high, And I’m heading into a crisis, chasing the years of my life.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star. Fifteen, I’m all right with you. Fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this, When you've only got a hundred years to live.

Halftime goes by, suddenly you’re wise!
Another blink of an eye, sixty-seven is gone.
The sun is getting high, we’re moving on.

I’m ninety-nine for a moment, dying for just another moment, And I’m just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

Fifteen, there's still time for you.
Twenty-two, I feel her too.
Thirty-three, you're on your way.
Every day's a new day.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you, time to buy and time to choose.
Hey fifteen, there’s never a wish better than this
When you've only got a hundred years to live.

This song by Five for Fighting (which by the way is only one guy) makes me catch my breath every time I hear it. Sometimes we forget that our time here is limited, and we get so caught up in the minutia of our daily lives, we forget that we are but a speck in this universe, a mere drop of water in the ocean of the universe.

Take a moment today and tell someone you love them....call someone who you've been thinking about and tell them so....give someone you know a hug....give a homeless person 3 bucks....do something different. Make a difference. Even if it's only in the life of a child, a mate/spouse, friend, parent...or a stranger.

Pay it forward was always such an awesome concept to me. You do something thats above and beyond for someone and let them know that the only thing you expect from them is that they "pay it forward" by doing something, sometime, for someone else. Can you imagine what an awesome world this would be if we practiced that concept?

"Violence as a way of achieving racial justice is both impractical and immoral. It is impractical because it is a descending spiral ending in destruction for all. It is immoral because it seeks to humiliate the opponent rather than win his understanding; it seeks to annihilate rather than to convert. Violence is immoral because it thrives on hatred rather than love."

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous
than sincere indifference,
and concientious stupidity"

...but what is a bitter, bitter shame is that martinlutherking.com is a PORN site, and martinlutherking.org is run by Stormfront, a white supremist organization. It's a fucking crying shame. (yeah I know I don't normally cuss on here, but if anything deserves it, this does.) Just answer me one question....all of those thousands of Martin Luther King book reports that are due on tuesday...how many of those children either saw tits and ass, or Stormfront crap (masked as a martin luther friendly site I might add)? ::shakes head::: It's a crying shame that there's no way to take these site names from them, but I BET a MILLION dollars, if this was to happen to Georgebush.com not only would the site dissapear, but the people who made them would probably disapear to0....

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Aha, climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down

Joe went to NJ w/ his mother to take care of some personal business. He left last tuesday and will be back this tuesday. I miss him terribly, and it has made me think of what my life would be like without him. He is an awesome presence in my life as well as my daughters life, and I think we are better because of him.

I spoke to him tonight, and he told me he's so ready to be home, which, of course I was glad to hear.

I'm not used to being in a house this size. Even when we stayed in our tiny little apartment, I was nervous if he wasn't there at night, but this house...this is something totally different. If someone broke into the house, my bedroom is so far from the front I wouldn't hear it. Granted if they came in the back I would probably blow their brains out....but I guess you can see where the whole thing just makes me nervous. lol

I've spent the whole weekend putting tons of Jessica's 14/16 clothes up on Ebay, I've always bought her quility clothing, and most of it is in like-new condition, so I think it will sell. it should. If so, I will put it toward her 14th birthday that is coming up in Feb. She wants to have her party here at the house and invite kids from school. We're talking about 50 or so kids. I'm so not looking forward to it. It's bad enough when she has two of her girlfriends here this weekend...they giggle like mad at absolutely nothing, eat like horses and hog up the phone.

Yeah, yeah I'm complaining....but she's a good kid...and it's all a part of being a teenager....in a sense, I'm kind of enjoying it all. I know in a few years she'll be running off into the sunrise of her life, so I have to enjoy even the moments that drive me nuts. It scares me to know that one day she won't be my "little girl" anymore...she will grow up and one day become someone else's "mommy"....will she still be my little girl?

I suppose at that time, I will be able to look back, and see the work that I put into my little girl to make her into a woman....and maybe have the opprotunity to revel in being a grandmother. I ask god to bless our relationship all the time....the last thing I want is for us to have an adversarial relationship, like my mother and I had. So far, so good...she still talks to me about everything, and we're able to laugh about most things, rather than take them too seriously. I'm lucky to have her.

Bodhichitta, Three Lords of Materialism
Current mood: introspective


My friend Henry sent me this. It made such an impression on me, I'm going to get the book. The truth is a beautiful thing whether we want to face it or not.

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"Chitta means 'mind' and also 'heart' or 'attitude'. Bodhi means 'awake,' 'enlightened,' or 'completely open.'

Sometimes the completely opened heart and mind of bodhichitta is called the soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated in part, with our ability to love…

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A teaching that supports us in this process of unblocking bodhichitta is that of the three lords of materialism. These are the three ways that we shield ourselves from this fluid, un-pin-downable world, three strategies we use to provide ourselves with the illusion of security. This teaching encourages us to become very familiar with these strategies of ego, to see clearly how we continue to seek comfort and ease in ways that only strengthen our fears...

The first of the three lords of materialism is called the lord of form. It represents how we look to externals to give us solid ground. We can begin to pay attention to our methods of escape. What do I do when I feel anxious and depressed, bored or lonely? Is 'shopping therapy' my way of coping? Or do I turn to alcohol or food? Do I cheer myself up with drugs or sex, or do I seek adventure? Do I prefer retreating into the beauty of nature or into the delicious world provided by a really good book? Do I fill up the space by making phone calls, by surfing the net, by watching hours of TV? Some of these methods are dangerous, some are humorous, some are quite benign. The point is that we can misuse any substance or activity to run away from insecurity. When we become addicted to the lord of form, we are creating the causes and conditions for suffering to escalate. We can't get any lasting satisfaction no matter how hard we try. Instead the very feelings we're trying to escape from get stronger. ...No matter how we get trapped our usual reaction is not to become serious about what's happening. We do not naturally investigate the strategies of ego. Most of us just blindly reach for something familiar that we associate with relief and then wonder why we stay dissatisfied. The radical approach of bodhichitta practice is to pay attention to what we do. Without judging it we train in kindly acknowledging whatever is going on. Eventually we might decide to stop hurting ourselves in the same old ways.

The second of the three lords of materialism is the lord of speech. This lord represents how we use beliefs of all kinds to give us the illusion of certainty about the nature of reality. Any of the 'isms' - political, ecological, philosophical, or spiritual-can be misused in this way... The problem isn't with the beliefs themselves but with how we use them to get ground under our feet, how we use them to feel right and to make someone else wrong, how we use them to avoid feeling the uneasiness of not knowing what is going on... Being caught by the lord of speech may start with just a reasonable conviction about what we feel to be true. However, if we find ourselves becoming righteously indignant, that's a sure sign that we've gone too far and that our ability to effect change will be hindered. Beliefs and ideals have become just another way to put up walls.

The third lord, the lord of mind, uses the most subtle and seductive strategy of all. The lord of mind comes into play when we attempt to avoid uneasiness by seeking special states of mind. We can use drugs this way. We can use sports. We can use falling in love. We can use spiritual practices. There are many ways to obtain altered states of mind. These special states are addictive. It feels so good to break free from our mundane experience. We want more... Even though peak experiences might show us the truth and inform us about why we are training, they are essentially no big deal. If we can't integrate them into the ups and downs of our lives, if we cling to them, they will hinder us. We can trust our experiences as valid, but then we have to move on and learn to get along with our neighbors. Then even the most remarkable insights can begin to permeate our lives... It isn't the special states themselves that are the problem, it's their addictive quality. Since it is inevitable that what goes up must come down, when we take refuge in the lord of mind we are doomed to disappointment.

Each of us has a variety of habitual tactics for avoiding life as it is. In a nutshell, that's the message of the three lords of materialism. This simple teaching is, it seems, everyone's autobiography. When we use these strategies we become less able to enjoy the tenderness and wonder that is available in the most unremarkable of times. Connecting with bodhichitta is ordinary.

When we don't run from everyday uncertainty, we can contact bodhichitta. It's a natural force that wants to emerge. It is, in fact, unstoppable. Once we stop blocking it with ego's strategies, the refreshing water of bodhichitta will definitely begin to flow. We can slow it down. We can dam it up. Nevertheless, whenever there's an opening, bodhichitta will always appear, like those weeds and flowers that pop out of the sidewalk as soon as there's a crack."

~ Excerpts from Pema Chodron's book, The Places That Scare You : A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times

Some cool things I've come across that you might like.

Google Earth

One of the coolest things I've seen in a long time. Fly from space to your neighborhood. Type in an address and zoom right in. Search for schools, parks, restaurants, and hotels. Get driving directions. Tilt and rotate the view to see 3D terrain and buildings. Save and share your searches and favorites. Even add your own annotations. Google Earth puts a planet's worth of imagery and other geographic information right on your desktop. View exotic locales like Maui and Paris as well as points of interest such as local restaurants, hospitals, schools, and more.

I think what blew me away the most was going from outer space, and zooming in right to my house. I saves searches like, where I grew up, my moms house, my sisters house, my business partners house. When I click my house and then click my sisters address, it zooms from my house to her house in NJ. Very breathtaking, and very cool. Here's a screenshot of my house, you can click on it to enlarge it.




Google Earth System requirements include;

Operating system: Windows 2000, Windows XP
CPU speed: Intel® Pentium® PIII 500 MHz
System memory (RAM): 128MB
200MB hard-disk space
3D graphics card: 3D-capable video card with 16MB VRAM
1024x768, 32-bit true color screen
Network speed: 128 kbps ("Broadband/Cable Internet")

and sorry Mac users, they're not ready for you guys yet. If you decide to check it out, let me know what you think.

Retrievr

From the folks at Flickr, comes Retrievr. You draw a shape in the lil box and it "retrieves" pictures that contain the same shape elements. Sometimes the results are amazing....sometimes, not so much. But you will wind up seeing lots and lots of amazing photos. Who knew there were so many talented photographers out there?

Here's a line drawing I did and the results. The best on was the lady with the lags (bottom left), not an exact match, but definitly an interesting one. You can check it out yourself at Retrievr

Legal Vote

On Legal Vote, all of you fans of Law and Order and CSI can have a voice and be heard! Read about real cases and vote on what you think was right or wrong in the case.

A current case reads:

In July of 1992, 32-year-old Mr. P. was struck by a police car while he was riding his motorcycle. While being treated in the emergency room, he was given a tetanus shot. He subsequently developed Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy (CIDP) -- a serious and debilitating disease.

Is Mr. P.'s condition the result of the treatment he received for injuries sustained in the accident?

The site claims that these are fact situations of real cases involving real individuals. Your input and opinions can actually affect how a real case will be tried in front of a jury, or may actually bring about a settlement of the case.

Pretty cool eh?

Well. thats all I have for now. I've been doing tons of cleaning for the new year. Which reminds me, don't forget to check out my list of things for trade. C'mon, I know I'm not the only one doing spring cleaning, don't you have some stuff you want to get rid of and get something cool in return?

I have plans to make another quilt, im cutting squares right now...I cleaned jess's room and she has tons of old t-shirts that I can't give away or sell because of stains, so I'll just cut them into squares for quilting. I'm going to make a quilt for my other two nieces, and may make one for my sister as a suprise for her birthday. (crossing fingers, hoping she doesnt read this, lol)

I'm 97% done with my latest painting, and I'm going to post pics of it as well as pics of my studio for those who have asked in the past if they could see it.

Do you know anyone who does life insurance that I could ask a question? Let me know.

Well I passed through the holidays, relatively unscathed. I didn't go online much, but I cleaned out my office and art studio, tried out some new recipes, and I made a queen size quilt for my daughter and a crib size one for my niece. It was my first time making a quilt, but I wanted to give her something special that she could have for many years. It's a little larger than queen size...I hand cut all the squares and hearts, sewed the designs and hearts on by hand from little pieces of different things; her pajamas from when she was a baby, an old blanket, ect.

Here's one pic, I posted a bunch on my photoblog right here.





When I gave it to her she said

her: this is the best gift I got for Christmas

me: cut the crap, you got an mp3 player

her: but this is handmade mom, you made it with love

the girl is something else, she knows how to make me cry and be proud all at the same time. :)

I'm going to post pics of the quilt as soon as I find the cord to my digital camera.

Here's the recipe for my New Years Drink...I call it a Magarlisa (lol)(lisa is my name, chase is my nickname)

A large Margarita glass (bigger the better)

put sugar in a dish, wet rim and dip rim in sugar to coat rim.

fill glass halfway with lemonade. either store bought or homemade (homemade is best)
add

one shot of peach schnapps
one shot of Ameretto
two shots of Malibu (coconut rum)
sugar if you need it sweeter
crushed ice

I make a quart sized container, so just add ingredients as per cup.

sit back, sip and enjoy. :)

I also made an awesome spinach and artichoke dip, like the one you get a Houlahan's, black eyed peas and rice (called Hoppin John..it's good luck to make on New Years), and some great cookies (Choc Chip, Oatmeal crisps and butterscotch chip...email me for recipes)

Jessica's back home. I'm feeling good. Ready to start a wonderful New Year. Life is good.

:)

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Oh, by the way, I put up a list of things I have for trade. I will be adding tons of stuff to this list. I did something like this a few years back and it was awesome. (I could put the stuff on ebay, but it's just not as much fun. lol) Check it out, there may be something I have that you want. I will add this as a link on the side of my blog later today so you can reference it as I add new things.

Items For Trade (click here)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dream in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Mad world indeed.....I have so much to write about, and I know I've been a little sporadic in writing. But when I have so much I want to say, sometimes it seems like way too much for me to get written down, and I keep putting it off. The month of December has always been a weird month for me. The hustle and bustle of consumerism, and focus on material things glaringly brings to the forefront things that I and so many others do not have. I don't put myself in the same boat as others that I know have it so much worse than me financially, my bills get paid, my family is taken care of, but we have real needs that are put on the backburner for the monthly bills.

A few entries ago I wrote about my sister Carol and her murder at the hands of her husband. Since I wrote that entry, another blogger, who is a law student, sent me some articles about the case, which enabled me to find out more than I ever knew about what actually happened. It has opened sort of like a puzzle, with unexpected pieces that keep dropping into place, making the story more surreal than I ever thought possible. Here's the story that ran in the Chicago Tribune when it happened in 1982.

.....................

MAN DIDN'T KILL WIFE FOR CASH, JUDGE RULES

By Linnet Myers.


A man accused of killing his wife to collect $250,000 in insurance money was acquitted Tuesday by a Cook County Criminal Court judge who said there was "a dark cloud of suspicion" over the defendant but not enough evidence to convict him.
Herbert Cammon, 35, was acquitted of murder charges after a bench trial before Judge Thomas Maloney. Maloney said Cammon was "a schemer, crooked, ignorant and callous; many circumstances cast a dark cloud of suspicion over him." But he said the "the evidence doesn't add up to proof beyond a reasonable doubt." Cammon, a social worker, told police that he found his wife dead when he returned to their Hyde Park apartment on April 27, 1982.

At first, he told police that he had no life insurance on his wife, former model and nightclub singer Carol Di-Pasalegne. But detectives later discovered that she was insured for $250,000. "Here we have motives, continuous lies, insurance, broken alibis. . . . Was there a reason for Herbert Cammon to kill his wife? There were 250,000 reasons for Herbert Cammon to kill his wife," said Robert Clifford, an assistant state's attorney, during closing arguments.

After Maloney announced his decision to acquit him, Cammon looked back at his mother, who cried with relief and later said, "Thank God! I had faith all the time."

Cammon and DiPasalegne were married on April 11 after a two-month "whirlwind romance," prosecutors said. Sixteen days later, she was strangled and stabbed in the face 20 times. She and Cammon had taken out insurance poli-cies three days before their wedding.

There were no signs of forced entry at the East 55th Street apartment, and a building worker said he saw Cammon in the basement the night of the murder, although Cammon said he was not there.

Cammon stood trial in 1984, but jurors split 10-2 for a guilty verdict and a mistrial was declared. This time, Cam-mon chose the judge instead of a jury.

Defense lawyer Patrick Tuite told the judge that the case was purely circumstantial. "We have here the fact that the defendant might benefit from his wife's death, but that's not evidence of murder," he said. He also argued that the prosecution did not refute the testimony of Cammon's alibi witness, a friend who said Cammon was with him at the time of the slaying. Tuite also pointed to an unexplained piece of evidence-the type B blood found on the knife that killed DiPasalegne. DiPasalegne's blood was Type A; Cammon's is Type O. Prosecutors theorized that the alibi witness, who had Type A-B blood, may have been with Cammon during the murder. Tuite, though, argued that they were "creating fiction."

More than 20 witnesses testified, including an insurance agent who said Cammon rejected her advice that he take out a $50,000 policy and insisted on a $250,000 policy that paid off immediately. One of Cammon's friends said Cammon had argued heatedly with him when he said that life insurance takes six months to go into effect. The friend said Cammon had driven home, gotten the policy and brought it back to prove his point, according to Jack Steed, another assistant state's attorney.

Evidence of Cammon's homosexuality was introduced at his first trial, but Maloney ruled it irrelevant during the retrial. Prosecutors contend that Cammon lived with a male roommate for five years and moved back right after his wife's death.

After reading that article, I realized, ok......there was another person involved in the killing....most likely the same man who lived with Herbert (her husband) before and after Carol's death, and who was also his alibi witness. Stevie Wonder could see that this was a likely scenario. Since they didn't have DNA in '82, maybe now they can take the DNA off the knife, and match it to the other guy?

So...I started making phone calls. Chicago courts, Chicago police, and about 50 calls later I was speaking to a cold case detective in Chicago. She was really nice and after talking about everything she agreed that there probably was reason to see if the case should be opened, and that she would order the files and call me back, probably in a few weeks, but definitely after the holidays.

The next day, another officer from cold case called me, he had worked on the case last year, when they had actually opened the case. He agreed that I was right in suspecting Herbert's boyfriend, and that they had opened the case last year and were looking into that lead (the details of which I won't go into here) but that it didn't work out.

He proceeded to tell me that there was a lot more involved than just the murder, he told me that there was a book that talked about my sister's case written by Robert Cooley called When Corruption Was King (the link goes to the books website). He told me he wasn't sure how much was written about Carol, but he did know the case was referenced in the book.

He also said for now, there's nothing they can do because EVERY single piece of evidence having to do with the case was destroyed. When I asked why, he pointed me to the book again, and said he hated to tell me but that Judge Maloney (who I later found out is incarcerated) was paid off to acquit Herbert in my sisters case. In fact Maloney is "The first American judge ever (and since) convicted for fixing murder cases."


So....so...so...now I go to the website looking to see if there's anything mentioned about my sister. The only thing I found was under "Cast of Characters" he has a list of names, then the last one says "Guest Appearances" and he has the names Ed and Anne Burke listed. (Chicago’s power political couple and their special defense for a child molester and wife stabber.) That had to be what the cop was talking about.

If you check out the website, you'll understand that the guy who wrote it, Cooly was an attorney who took bribes and then decided he didn't want to anymore so from 1986 to 1989, he wore a recording device and developed criminal cases against mobsters and corrupt officials. His investigation led to nine federal trials in the Nineties and convictions or guilty pleas for twenty-four.

As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough, I emailed Bob Cooley, and he calls me back that night! I called him back the next day and we talked for over an hour, and he told me many many things about what he had been through, the current state of the justice system in Chicago, and tons of other stuff. About my sister he said he remembered walking into the court offices the day her case came up, and hearing the other lawyers discussing how disgusting and horrifying the case was, and then being told by someone else that the presiding judge was being bought, that the first judge was asked to recluse himself from the case by Burke and when he refused was asked (by Burke) "it's just a nigger, why do you care about a nigger?" I'm not really shocked, living here in GA for the few mos I've been here so far has exposed me to more racism in 6 months than I've experienced in 30 years. It's pathetic how people can walk around claiming to be god fearing christians, yet still manage to hate another human being, and Burke and his wife are said to be devout Catholics.

After talking things over with my sister, we're exploring what options we may, or may not, have right now. Best case scenario, would be to see this other suspect in jail. In lieu of that, we're going to look for an attorney in Chicago and see what our options are for a civil case against Herbert's estate, the city of Chicago, the county the case was in, the judge who took the bribe....whatever we can do to ruffle feathers and raise awareness, which could have the effect of bringing forth more witnesses or evidence.

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Other than that, I'm ok. Jessica is in NJ with her father's family. I was a little upset about that....ok...a LOT upset about it, being that we're in a new home, I was kind of wanting a "at home" christmas...but I realized that it wasn't all about Jessica, but also about the fact that my sister and her children aren't here....and that I'm here with no family and friends whatsoever, so that was what was really having me feeling a little lonely. Jessica is really happy, seeing her grandmother, sister, cousins, ect. So I'm happy, that she's happy.

The car is in the shop, something about the transmission, hopefully I'll have it back by xmas.

So for the next two weeks I'll pretty much be alone at the house, Joe works almost every day from 5am till about 6pm....

I've made a list of things I want to get done in this time....finish at least 4 new paintings, clean out my office/art studio, read a book or two, and try to relax. :)

Oh yeah, and blog more! lol

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Joy made me do this meme. 5 Random Things about me

1. I talk to my cats like they can understand me...and I'm not convinced they don't.

2. I'm only truly happy when i'm creating. Cooking, dollmaking, painting, writing, poetry, sewing, gardening, ect. Luckily I excell in these things, so when i do them, it's almost always for others and I enjoy making people happy.

3. Even though I had only Jessica, I wish I'd had more kids. 4....6....10....lol

4. I can find anything about anything online. I've become a regular sleuth, and all my friends call me when they need info about something, lol.

5. I'm awesome with directions, I can find my way to and from anywhere. I can tell north, south, east and west from anywhere.

Time to have some fun guys and gals (although mainly at my expense, lol) I am taking a challange and will answer any questions put to me (within reason) over the next week or so. I will post the answers in my blog as they come in. So, if there's anything u want to know about the chase'ter, here's your chance. Multiple questions are fine. go for it. :::smile::: P.s. Don't forget to take the Dr. Phil Test below!

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How has your view of love changed since you were 15? (from Poorart)

hmm...when I was 15, I was dealing with an abusive step-father and an apathetic mother. My life was in such a turmoil, it's hard for me to remember what I was thinking about boys at the time because I was mostly concerned with saving myself. I ran away from home about 9 times before I finally left for good at about 15/16. Literally lived on the streets for about a year, depending on the kindness of strangers (not a good position to be in when it came to men) and then went into a home for runaway girls (after getting caught by the cops when my mother filed a missing persons report) and when given the option to go home or to the shelter, I chose the shelter.

To get to the point of your question, starting at about 15 I saw men as either a way to escape or just someone to treat me nice. That's all I wanted.....nice. Well, at least now I know better, just being nice doesn't cut it. Now I need compassion, friendship, trust...a partnership. Nice is good too, lol.

I guess I grew up huh?

Questions from Humanity

1. If you had a free shot, which actress would you want to punch in the face?

erm....I'm not a violent person (normally) and after much thought, it was a toss up between Lara Flynn Boyle, who shows women that anorexia gets rewarded. I saw her on a cover of Star or some other rag, looking like a walking skeleton on the beach, you could see every bone in her body, she looked inhuman. I literally thought she would die very soon. But NOooo....she was put on the next season of Las Vegas. Which I no longer watch in protest of her, lol.

My other (and stronger) choice would have to be Ms. Star I know my man is gay but I dont care cause I need a man so bad I'm gonna marry him anyway, and if in 5 years he decides to come out the closet, I'll just write a book about it Jones. Every time I watch the view I am disgusted at how she tries to fawn and front like she doesnt have a black bone in her body, and if she decides to act like she does, it has to turn into some clownish or stereotypical blackness. *sigh* let me stop, i want to punch her in the face right now....

2. What famous person would you proudly leave your lover for?

He already told me I could leave him for Vingh Rames, lol.

Any one of the men I listed in my Seven Things and More post. Richard T Jones from Judging Amy, Antonio Banderas, Idris Elba from The Wire, Djimon, Genufinewine. HAHAhahaha. But seriously. I'm very happy with my bf....he's a good guy. he's nice too. I wouldnt want to start ove with some famous person who probably has more issues than People magazine.

3. If you were forced to listen to one band forever, who would it be?

That's an interesting question, because when you think about it, you might pick one of your favorites, but it might make more sense to pick a really good band that has tons of albums, which would offer much more variety. (I mean, hey...forever is a long ass time)

After much thought (Meshell Ndegiociello, D'Angelo, Al Green, The Temptations.....Meshell and D'Angelo, cause I already listen to their stuff over and over without getting tired of it and Al Green and the Temps for the amounts of music.)

But it finally dawned on me, who i've loved over the years....he has rock, pop, soul, sexy, love, r&b, lyrics, sing-ability*....all on one album or another....he's got a nice size catalog for variety, and I don't think he has made a song I didn't like. Prince!

(*sing-ability - a song that makes you want to sing along with it..)

4. Boxers or briefs?

Boxers I HATE Tighty Whiteys

5. If you were a hitwoman, what would be your weapon of choice?

Rifle, no contact and I'm an excellent shot. The further away, the less chance of getting caught. :::looks around::: I sounded a little too confident didnt I?

If you were forced to live the rest of your life either "with love but without sex" or "with sex but without love", what would you choose? And why? from Joy

Thats a very difficult question. A question I would probably have answered differently about 10 years ago.It brings to mind conditions in which you couldn't have sex, like, maybe being paralyzed, or having some type of disease or sexual problem.

Sex is very important in a relationship, I'm not saying it's most important, there are plenty of things that take precedence over it, like......communication, respect, honesty, but sex is definitly part of the list of what makes a happy relationship.

To answer the question, if true love was an absolute promise for the rest of my life, I would choose love.

I think....

could I masturbate?

Can we.....

you know what, nevermind, I try to keep this somewhat of a fmaily friendly blog, lmao. No need to get all x-rated up in here. I think I would choose love, because a life without love, seems so sad. and when i'm old and ain't thinkin about sex, it would be nice to have someone to share my life with when no one is interested in having sex with me anymore, lol

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I would like to persoanlly thank you Joy for the following conversation with Joe.....

me: which would you choose?

him: I cant go without sex

me: then that means you can do without me? cause if you say you can do without love you must be....

him: (cutting me off): no, your different

me: why am i different

him: you just are. is this going to turn into a philisophical conversation? (turns over)

me: oh nevermind

him: ::snores:::

me: :::mumbling::: jerk


lol

Name your top 3 movies of 2005 and what you liked about each. from E.

I actually haven't watched a lot of movies lately since I moved and my dvd player broke, (or is it that I dont watch that many movies so I'm not all that focused on buying a new dvd player?) At any rate, I can only watch movies on my computer or laptop till i buy a new one...and if im on my computer or laptop, Im usually online and not thinking about watching a movie.

1. Crash - the most intense movie I have seen in a long time that efectively got across a freakin POINT about rascism. (spoiler is coming up, if you havent seen the movie I strongly suggest you skip to the next question right now.) Particularly when the cop tried to help her and she almost died refusing his help. I cried so hard and Joe thought it wasn't that serious, but I told him, "had he been doing his job, instead of victimizing her, she would have no reason to be afraid of him and almost kill them both. I swear I cried my eyes out when she relized it was him and the way she reacted. There were so many moments in that movie that spoke to the truth about the effects of slavery/rascism. I though it was brilliant.

2. Rabbit Proof Fence - it's not a 2005, but its one of my top movies I saw in 2005, that counts right? This movie shows what happens when a law is passed in Australia that any child that is mixed (aboriginal and white) must be removed from the home and placed in a group home, and trained as a house servent or something similiar and then when they grew up were given jobs and were only allowed to marry someone mixed or white. basically the govt's version of Hitler's master race plan. These little girls who were taken from their mothers, ran away and tried to walk home....across HUNDREDS OF MILES. Incedible movie.

3. Shark Tail - the most hilarious movie I'd seen in a long time...great for a laugh and for teaching kids a great lesson.

extra mentions would be: Spanglish, Yesterday

If you could meet any 5 people in the world, who would they be? from MrDeath

I'm going to assume that these would be people that are in the world and alive right now.

1. I have two older brothers by my mother who I've never met and my mother hasnt seen them since they were two and three, her then husband took them and she never saw them again. Edward and Johnny Hearne.

2. Artist Odd Nerdrum

3. Ann Rice

4. Oprah

5. im gonna come back with the last one.

honorable mentions: the green lizard from the geico commercial (I heart him, lol), Tupac (he's not dead, lol), Michelle Pfiefer, Micky Rourke, Ridley Scott, Clive Barker

what if anything was the single defining moment in your life? from Diamond

Not sure I've had it yet, or if nothing else, my life has been filled with little defining moments. The day I walked out of my job and started my own business. The day I had my daughter. The day I realized that Joe wasn't going anywhere, that he would be staying by my side. Other moments, tragic moments, happy moments....all defining moments of what is is to be me. Pretty cool huh?